"And as for selling myself short, I have become notorious"

I'm sitting here..waiting for a verdict from a board of people who know only my name and few things other than my appearance to connect me to that. I wonder if that is all I have been to most people here..a name..a face..the girl who pushes the limits that others have set for her(in the most postive ways of course..or at least I believe this to be true). I just can't help but wonder as I look back...have I let my situations, or the way others look at me, effect the way I look at myself..or the way that I know God looks at me? Maybe people have been treating me like a child because I have no faith in the woman that I have become. I'd like to be grown up but continue to think that I have nothing to offer the world. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep putting everyone else on higher ground, putting myself in a position for those around me to look down on me. I can only imagine how much better my life will become when I can convince myself that I am worthy to stand on the same level as my peers. What I desire more than anything is to be a leader. But how can I do this without speaking up? My voice is hidden and no one knows the power that I have been given to go behind that voice. I know the gifts that God has given me and all I have to do now is let God be my confidence, that I might be brave because he is always with me.

Today, I just pray that, no matter what happens, I will have the strength to see myself as the beautiful woman of God that I truly am..instead of the victimized young girl who feels as if she shouldn't exist. I pray for peace and courage for myself and all others who struggle with their self worth. Please know that this world does not define you. No matter what label you may recieve in this world, it doesn't matter. God left his imprint on each one of us. If we choose to imbrace that, the labels of this world will simply be irrelevent opinions. Don't ever forget how perfect you are through Christ.


Yours Truly,
Charissa

I have...

lived through a lot of things...
But me...crying because I thought someone was making fun of my hair...
Me...actually caring that others would make fun of me.
And me...reminding myself to not be such a baby and embarrass myself even more.

Misunderstandings...these little things..embarrassing, but life goes on...and it could have been worse.

Reminds me of a memory from when I was much younger. I was supposed to sing a solo but I didn't feel like I knew the song as well as I should. Needless to say..I ended up forgetting the words exactly when the song was supposed to start and felt so embarrassed that I ran out of there so I could cry without anyone seeing me.

Life is full of these little moments..if my life were a tv show...these memories would probably be in it. And let's face it. I know I'm not the only one.

So..a reminder to anyone reading this:  If you love who you are, live it up. Be who you are. You only get to be yourself, so take advantage of that. Don't get embarrassed over the little things. Remember how strong you are. And if you do just happen to end up running out of a situation in tears, it's okay. I promise you'll look back and be able to laugh. You are wonderful because you are God's :)
Don't forget it.


Dear Lord,
Thank you for another day.


Yours Truly,
Charissa A. Wallace

Savior

I fall asleep to the sunrise
My mind won't let me sleep at night
The norm is something I can't comprehend
All these questions just runnin through my head

And the answers
Few and far between

I wish I knew for sure
I wish I didn't have to wonder
When will the lightning strike
Cause I just hear the thunder
and my love
Is not the kind that fades, too easily
don't expect it just to go away
You already know what I wanna say

I fall asleep with you on my mind
I wake up to you and the sunrise
How i got so lucky i can't comprehend
Questions like these still run through my head

And the answers
I'll know, someday, I won't forget
I'll just know


Don't make me say it
You already know
Words are meaningless here
the actions show
Everything you need to know
Everything you've known all along
My love
Between the lines of your song

Because at the end of the day
Your choice never changes
You love me for all I am
For all of time
In every way



So...this is just a rough draft of a poem that I have been working on over time.


Your Truly,
Charissa A. Wallace

Revelation/Life/Love/Music

I realized recently, through lots of experiences since December, that I shouldn't ever feel bad about who God has made me to be. No regrets. No guilt. No apologies for people who tell me differently. And definitely no more apologizing for my existence. I've done a lot through Christ and I know he has amazing things planned for my life. Some days I may struggle but at the end of the day Jesus and I come out on top and there is nothing that I've done that I could have done on my own without him.

Some days when life gets hard I have to think back to all the times that Jesus has been by my side, and all of my life's successes that would never have happened with his grace. If by the end of the day I am still alive, I know that God plans to continue to use me to show love and compassion to others, and also to have more compassion for myself.

If you are having a hard time in life right now...here are my words of advice:
Don't give up on who you want to be, don't let anyone tell you who you are, let God tell you who you are. You may mess up in this world over and over again but the grace of God covers it all. Love yourself, love what is important to you...but most of all LIVE.


By the way..cool song that I accidently stubbled upon:

ooooh here we go again...

How does one begin to change their life? I am attempting to do the right things. To be the woman that I know I want to be. This world seems to make that very hard at times. I've never been good at making choices for myself. I usually choose to make others happy. I am realizing that that is a very destructive thing to do...because while I'm making choices to make everyone else happy, I have to suffer in silence and wish that my life were better or different. Since I've been back at Barclay, God has given me so much strength to begin to stand up for myself, to be able to feel more confident, to be able to focus on Him instead of on making people happy.

Here's to another day in the right direction.

Yours Truly,
Charissa

Dear ex...

You know when you tried to make me feel like having me, or any commitment, in your life was the cause for your misery? Well, I may be a pretty powerful woman, but I don't have the power to make you miserable. You do that to yourself. End of story. Oh, and you were right. I am far too good for you.

Goodnight.
Yours Truly,
Charissa

The very thing that gives me strength when I am weak.

Psalm 63

English Standard Version (ESV)

My Soul Thirsts for You

A Psalm of David, when he was in the wilderness of Judah.

63 O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
² So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
³ Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
⁴ So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.

⁵ My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
⁶ when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
⁷ for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
⁸ My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

⁹ But those who seek to destroy my life
shall go down into the depths of the earth;
¹⁰ they shall be given over to the power of the sword;
they shall be a portion for jackals.
¹¹ But the king shall rejoice in God;
all who swear by him shall exult,
for the mouths of liars will be stopped.

My dearest friend, my savior, keeps me safe. Even after all I've done, I am forgiven. I am given peace. I keep my faith close to my heart. If I trust in Him, I know that everything will turn out alright.

noowwww, here's a good song:]

Yours Truly,

Charissa

What can I say?

Peace is one of God's greatest gifts and I am so thankful that all I have to do is ask for it and He holds me close and lets me know it will be okay..and life goes on, love goes on, and I know I have the strength to make it through anything life wants to throw at me.


Yours Truly,
Charissa

I don't

want to be sucked in to the norm.
I don't want to believe all that I hear
I don't want to forget where I came from
I don't want my life to be meaningless

I will think for myself
I will believe the truth
I will remember who made me
my life is already filled with meaning.


Yours Truly,
Charissa

Dear World,

I find it funny that people who believe in evolution think creation is insane..but hey, people who believe in creation think evolution is crazy too...
stop putting each other down
stop trying to make the other person feel stupid
agree the disagree
The end.

I only wish that I weren't so dumb about this topic so I don't sound like an idiot while trying to explain why I believe the way I do.

Yours Truly,
Charissa

"I can't pretend that life is fair every day, or that faith comes easy"

I just thought that I would share this. Jill Paquette is one amazing writer.


Yours Truly,
Charissa

Red

The blood we all bleed
The flower that came from a seed
Energy
Energy, that I desperately need

Out of every other shade and hue
I still seem to always find you
And all the while
All this time, he knew

As the sun goes down you make your way
Across the sky for another day
Beauty
Beauty, in the things that he would say

You know that you mean love to me
And I find love in all I see
Running through my veins
The passion to set free

From all life's chains
We found a hope that still remains
And anger
It takes away from what we could gain

So I'll think of you, the color red
The meaning and the things he said
As God, and all the ones I love
Come rushing through my head

Late at night, while I lie awake in bed.


 ♥

Yours Truly,
Charissa

well...

my last post may have been a little harsh and a little impulsive. But hey, that's just how I can be from time to time. Maybe you really do feel the same. How am I to know? I don't feel any different and I still have so much trust. People are so much more than what they give themselves credit for, you just have to find the people who won't ever let you forget that, the ones who will remind you that you can be better today than you were yesterday, but that it's okay to make mistakes because you have the strength, and the ability, to pick yourself back up. So basically, what I'm saying is that I could be the one, but only time will tell. For now I am grateful for what I have been given and I will do my best to never ask for more than you can give.

On a lighter note, I'm glad that my necklace got broken the other day. Even though I could have fixed it I decided that it'd be better if I found something new. I realized that I've been holding onto things that have hurt me in my past and I need to just let those things go. That necklace was with me through a lot of heartache and I don't need to carry all that around with me anymore.

The Phoenix symbolizes long life, rebirth, and especially resurrection or reconstruction after destruction by fire.

My life was burned to the ground and I've been rebuilding it. Hopefully this can be a reminder of the new life that I have that begins with the rising of the sun, the dawning of a new day, each and every morning.


Yours Truly,
Charissa

I've got

some stupid text message saved to my drafts. Something about everything will be okay because we have each other, you fight for me and I fight for you, people only wish they had what you and I have...imagine if I would have actually said that to someone who doesn't even feel the same way. How silly of me. How completely and utterly insane is it that you call to say you don't know how you feel, as I'm about to send a message like that. ha....and ouch. that one hurt. I want to scream at you for confusing me.

That is all,
Yours Truly,
Charissa

Because God's love is better than LIFE. The only true love that exists in this world, the only thing that isn't diluted by fear, anger, pain. The only thing that lasts forever.


Yours Truly,
Charissa

What is wrong with me? If only I could figure it out...

My depression and substance abuse comes from my mother's side of the family..and my anger and detachment come from my father's...hmmmm.What can I do? Was I really just born this way? Will I always have to have the help of some prescribed drug to feel normal, to feel motivated? If only I could be more like my mother. If only I could just make myself do the things I know I need to do. I am so overwhelmed by the feeling of hopelessness that I want to just be gone. But it stays in the front of my mind through everything, keeping me at a distance from things. Even the things that I love most.

Lord, please help me. I constantly cry for you, yet I won't let you help me when I think I can do it all on my own. Silence my pride, my doubts, save me from myself.

Yours Truly,
Charissa

well hey there...

I have not yet found the words to say to describe what it is that I'd like for you to understand. When I do, I'll let you know.

Yours Truly,

Charissa

sometimes...

I must really question things...sometimes..I just have no idea what to with myself. It is times like these that I will be still and know that the world will continue to spin and that my best option is to just continue to breath and take things as they come to me...I find myself stuck in the middle a lot. And never really where I want to be. I am tired of being along for the ride, I want to be the author of my own life, instead of letting others control my story for me. And it is nights like these..when I'm wide awake while this town sleeps..that I realize just how lost I really am, and that nothing will save me but faith. Faith in the light that leads me to do what I feel is right. Faith that the sun will rise tomorrow to bring me a new day, a new beginning. Faith that all is not lost and that things do have meaning. Because when all is said and done and the options cannot be weighed anymore, and when I don't know where to go from here, I can listen to love, my savior, my God, my light, and I will find my answer in He who gave me everything I've ever needed.


Thank you Lord, for the stars in the sky and this light in my eyes

yours truly,
Charissa

You live, you learn

Life, is a beautiful thing. All the mysteries make it that much more beautiful at times. I can't help but wonder to myself what my future holds. I pray that I can make the right choices, that I can show people honesty and love and that hate will be my last option. In a world where people like to lie, manipulate, and hurt others, I find myself confused. It can be hard to tell what is real and what is fake, especially since lies can be so profound and well put together. I just want to love and be loved, live and let others live, seek out the good and let the good find me as well. Sometimes I feel weak, attacked. But there are so many beautiful things that God has blessed me with. If I count the good against the bad, the good always wins. For that, I am so grateful. Nothing can take away the security that I have in my God, in my family, and in my closest friends. Nothing can take away my strong heart and my willingness to preserver through life's struggles. I've loved and I've lost, but mostly I've gained everything I really need and lost everything that I thought I wanted. Thank God for knowing what I really needing and for putting those things in my life.

Goodnight world,

Yours Truly,
Charissa

♥

I thought I wouldn't ever find you
But here you are

I didn't believe that a soul like yours could exist
But here it is

Changing my life

Making me a better version of myself

It's real
For the first time

And hopefully
For the last

♥

Dear World,
Thanks for nothing. Thanks for being a huge ass bitch and making me realize exactly how much I need God in my life. When I follow your ways, nothing good ever happens and I just go running to my heavenly father, crying, and asking him to take away all the hurt you cause me. I will no longer stand for being a follower. God and I will make a new path. We've already begun.

Yours Truly,
Charissa

Honestly....

Honestly? I am fed up. I am tired of people who are too lazy to fight for what they believe in. I am tired of people who sit around and wait for their lives to start. Get up, off your ass, and live your damn life. For real people, what are you waiting for? When will people see that they are only as powerful as they make themselves. Your world, the way you see things, is your choice....I don't know. I guess I've just learned that I am not the type to sit around and watch my life pass me by...are you that type?


Yours Truly,
Charissa

After all...

there is never an end, so why not make everything a new beginning?

Tired of being held down...

My mind sorts out

The truth from all the lies

Confused, embarrassed

But everybody cries

I push you away

I don't want you to see

The negative, the ugly

The very worst of me

I'll admit, I'm afraid

That all I touch will turn to black

My heart is strong

Yet under attack

Please give me a chance

To sort all of this through

To not let my past

Keep me from you

Because I truly feel

That you and I are beautiful

That we could be

Anything but usual

Yours Truly,

Charissa

It's the saddest thing I've ever seen...

A life torn apart, from the seems

slowly, painfully

becoming everything you fear

Yours Truly,

Charissa

The aftermath of being abused...

Is harder then you would realize...re-teaching my brain to love myself again, to be confident, to not be afraid.

I will succeed.

I swear,

I don't know what's gotten in to me.

How could I think this way?

To consider a step back

Back in time

Is where my mind goes.

I can't do this now

There is too much

Too much to look forward to

Too many reasons...

To never look back again.

"All of the world and all of it's powers, couldn't keep your love from me"

__________________

__...______...______

_....Extremely....___

_....Altogether...______

__.Completely.__

___..Utterly.._____

____...........___

_____......___

______.._______

____________________

...Unexplainable...


That's what real love is. Hope I find it someday.

"The hope that keeps me moving Is in Your promises to me. And right now that's enough, It's gonna have to be"

I AM ALONE...always.

And you will never know when I'm sad.

because I won't tell you.

Why do I always feel like a burden?

And just how do I make it go away?

And I don't want anyone to save me,

I just want the power to do it on my own,

Alone.

I am the only one who can make it go away.

This is how I feel...but it's not true. I don't know how to reach out anymore. Every time I reached out before it was pointless, I got pushed down even farther by the person who I thought would listen and help me. I'm paralyzed and afraid. It's keeping me from my God, my family, but most of all, peace. I want the security of peace. Knowing that no matter what happens I will be safe in God's arms someday...I used to feel him holding me when I got sad..but I've even pushed him away..my very best friend. Lord, help me. You can't possibly be finished with me yet. Please help me to never forget that you are constantly making me in to the woman that you want me to be, even when I can't see it.

Yours Truly,

Charissa

In my mind...

...its like being in a cage..and only screaming in your head, just imagining yourself screaming, and not caring. But you don't scream, because imagining it is good enough and you'd rather not waste your energy. You keep moving forward because that's just what you do...That's what I have to tell myself...At least I taught myself to be productive. But I hate feeling on edge, anxious, unsure. I feel like a prisoner. My thoughts go a million miles an hour and my conscious mind just can't keep up. This always leaves me feeling dizzy, hazy, and not quite sure how to feel, really. So I tell myself...You pick yourself back up. You can do whatever you want. Sort it all out. This is your life. Don't waste it...And that's what I do. I build the cages that I have to break out of. That's the saddest part of it all. I'm learning how to not hold myself back...but the world moves so fast. I wish that it would slow down just for me.

Idk...

but I find it funny that I can find a song to fit just about any little piece of my life...well almost...and if I can't find a song from all the one's that are already out there, I can just make a new one. I also find it interesting when people put limitations on themselves and what they think is possible, and the way they think things "should" be. Things are exactly they way you choose to make them. You create the life you want with the things that have been given to you to build it with. But I am not limited to anyone's set of standards in life but my own. And honestly I think anything is possible so I will not only imagine who I want to be, I will be that girl..that woman..the one that doesn't do things just because "that's the way it's done", the one who takes everything she's given and makes the best of it. I pray to be more like my heavenly father. I pray that my desire to be more like him never fades, and Lord, please continue to help me to be a little bit stronger each day, and thank you, for nothing letting me feel completely alone this paste year. Thank you for never leaving my side.

Yours Truly,

Charissa

I'm not to sure...

What can I say? Life changes, people change, people grow. I've grown. I've had to move on, leave people behind. Some people don't grow up as quickly as others and I am not willing to let anyone hold me back from growing to my full potential. I am who I am. I am becoming who I want to be, who God wants me to be. I can be strong, for myself and for others. I can love with my entire heart and learn to laugh at the little things. It isn't always easy. It can actually be pretty difficult at times. But I will continue to try, as best I can, to do what I feel is right.