"I need you...and I need you more"

Here's a song that is really touchin' my heart today...I'll explain more later when my day slows back down. But for now...here ya go!

Oh and you should also read the lyrics;


Time winds down as you stretch upward to heaven
His blood resounds as it's not over precursor
They'll paint them red, those things you said.
They'll paint them red, what you said.

I miss you. I miss you
And I miss you
I need you. I need you
And I need you more
Can see you. I see you
Can I see you now?

I want to defend as I hold you so closely to me. to me.
You speak of peace. well how can that be. surround me
I can't believe the pain received and I can't believe what you said

I miss you. I miss you
And I miss you
I need you. I need you
And I need you more
Can see you. I see you
Can I see you now?

And I felt it. you're not fading
I felt it. I'm not fading
I felt it. you're not fading
I felt it. I felt it

I miss you. I miss you
And I miss you
I need you. I need you
And I need you more
Can see you. I see you
Can I see you now? 



Yours Truly,
Charissa

"And I felt it, you're not fading"

 Dear world,

Welcome to a new chapter in my life. So many things have changed all at once. It has been difficult at times to accept all the grace that God has given me recently. At many points in my life I've been one to believe that I do not deserve love or happiness. I find myself punishing myself by putting myself in a box of self pity, leaving everyone who loves me on the outside wishing that I would just come out. God gave me so many people who have willingly sat right outside that box and have waited for me to realize that what I was doing to myself was absolutely stupid and a waste of my time. Some people have yelled at me to come out of that mindset, others have tried to pull me out. But here is what I have found;

 

Only God can make me free. He has given me everything, and everyone, that I need to help me stay close to him, to help heal me from a past that has left me with so many scars. Now the rest is up to me. I have to accept the gifts that God has given me because I know that because of Jesus, I AM WORTH IT. I am a daughter of the creator of all things. I have a purpose to love and be loved, to serve others and do my best to serve God by striving after a Christ-like attitude towards life, towards others. I was made in the image of God, made to be a reflection of everything that he is. I can't do that by keeping people at a distance, afraid to be hurt, I can't do that by putting up walls. I want people to see my heart because I know if they do they will see a life changed by the grace of God.

 

 

 

Here's to freedom. To the acceptance of God's amazing, unending grace for my once lost soul.

 

 

Yours Truly,

Charissa

And the award for the best liar of all time....

goes to the enemy that tries to grab at my feet every day in an attempt to pull me to the ground. The one that whispers lies that make no sense that I fight to remove from my mind. I feel like a little girl who is running away from something chasing me on a dark night. I run home to my Father and he holds me, keeps me safe. Today I realized that the lies sometimes keep me from running to my heavenly Father for comfort, for safety...for truth. I have listened to lies for far to long. I have put myself in a dark room in a corner, paralyzed by my fears instead of running to a loving, forgiving God who can remind me of who I am through him. I trust in my Father, and sometimes I still don't go to him because of my shame. But behind that shame is a strong woman who knows that God is trustworthy and that if I cannot trust in myself that I can trust in Him...and when I'm not sure who else to trust in this world I can turn to God and trust the path that he has put me on. I can be stubborn at times but when it is all said and done I find myself in the arms of my God, my savor, my saving grace, my best friend before anyone else. He has always been there, he never left me and never will leave me.

On top of always being there and holding me through everything, God has provided for me in ways that I only ever dreamed of. A month ago today, God gave me my life long best friend here on earth, my ministry partner, the love of my life. I have been blessed with a man who loves God with his entire heart and has such a huge passion for caring for others. He brings out the very best in me, we work through conflicts, we meet half way, we talk so openly with one another....Jesus is my first love and this man is my second. There is no one else here on earth that I will ever love more. And people may call us crazy because we've committed to one another so quickly, but I don't want to be with anyone else, and neither does he. We want people to see God's work in us, how He has healed us from our pasts and allowed us to love again. And obviously we have a lot to learn and a long road ahead of us as far as getting past personal struggles, but now neither of us has to do that on our own. We sit and talk for hours sharing our stories, sharing what God has been teaching us as individuals.

We'll talk more later.

Yours Truly,
Charissa

This is not...this is what....what is this?

Nothing. Exactly everything that I have to say can be summed up in to a few words. WHY AM I HERE? Such a simple thing, really.

Finally, got my computer back

after, what seems like quite awhile. As always, my life continues to change. I continue to grow, learn new things, and form new opinions. I feel that I have been doing well on showing compassion and honesty to those around me. At times I do fail. Maybe because I ignore my instincts, but mostly it's because I am human, and I have the tendency of being a people pleaser. Even though this habit is fading due to my intense effort to kick it, it still happens when I care more for someone while they care less for me. The lesson here is, don't let anyone change you. If you ask for God's guidance and ask that he put the right desires in your heart(let the holy spirit guide you), and you listen to those callings in life, you will be surprised at how far you can go. For someone like me, I came from little, the lower class as you might call it, but I know I was made for a great purpose. I will never stop progressing because I don't want to stop. My future is in God's hands. It's one day at a time, and that means you have to do all you can do in the moment if you ever want it to add up to something great. I am by no means perfect, but I will do my best to try and be a little bit better today then I was yesterday, a little bit stronger, a little more self aware, be a better listener, a better communicator, be better at loving and taking care of others, and the list goes on and on and that's why some changes can be such a slow process. My advice to anyone who be to never give up. Any progress at all is better then nothing, every step forward means your that much closer to your goals. Change is hard for everyone. I learned to thrive off change, to ensure the excitement of new things that it has to offer for me, but it took me so long to get to this point. NEVER GIVE UP!

Dear World,

You are beautiful
Believe it
Live it
Love it


Yours Truly,
Charissa

Just Love.

Everyone who really knows me, loves me and their opinions on matters of my life are valued because they are honest and caring, even when that honesty may be harsh. But the opinions of those who do not know me, don't matter...those people are funny to think I care what they have to say about me in the first place. Thank you to my family and friends who taught me this valuable lesson in life.
Growing up means realizing what really matters.....100% genuine love..God's love....surrounding yourself with people who give that kind of love, and doing what you can to show that love to others...showing others that love is stronger then harsh judgment and hurtful words by not allowing those things to affect you negatively. By showing grace and love to those who are hateful it really could help to show people that love and compassion still exist in a world like ours. Show people that they are not in control of your life...God is. And when God is in control, his light shines through for others to see.
Those who truly love you will encourage you to live your life for Christ. They will encourage you to never give up on what you feel the Lord is leading you towards.

Lord, today I ask that you help me to show your love, real love, to those around me. Even those who hurt me. Even those who do not deserve it. Because you and I both know I definitely don't deserve it either.


Yours Truly,
Charissa

Stupid Girl

Dear World,
Here is another old poem. Reminding me of how I've changed and that weaknesses are also my strengths.

Stupid Girl

I'm just a stupid girl
with one life to live
and everything in my heart to give
I love because I can't help it
I care because it's just my nature
I give because I don't see the point in holding back
I talk in hopes that someone will listen
I breathe but the air is suffocating
My downfall is that I mostly see good in those around me;
The bad always comes back to bite me.
But I forgive, I can't see a point in holding a grudge.
And I'll smile, just for you...
I hate my smile, but for some reason it almost never leaves my face
A smile can say a thousand things as I hide behind it.
My face is all that most people will ever see of me.
Just a face.
Just a stupid girl.
And if I never amount to much of anything
That's the one thing I will always know for sure.

Yours Truly,
Charissa

To Walk With You*-

I might have posted this on this blog already. Not sure. But I love it cause it is more of a prayer then a poem.


To Walk With You

make me a child in your presence Lord,
For I am so thankful that you are my Father.
Walk with me along this path
Rejoice with me in times of happiness
Forgive me when I choose not to listen to your words.
Pick me up when I have fallen
Sit and talk with me when I'm weak and feel as if I can't go on.
Hold me when I am broken
Make me beautiful through the suffering.
teach me how to become more like you as I look up to you for guidance day after day.
When I rebel, remind me how much I need you
For I truly am a helpless child.
I only survive by your grace, and the many things you provide for me.
tell me yes, and tell me no.
for only you know what's best for me.
Help me to see my brothers and sisters on my journey
to remember that you gave us to each other
and that we need each other,
as you constantly remind us that we cannot do it on our own.
we all do our part in your family Father.
Our one goal is to love and serve you
to strive to obey you in all we do
and to run to you when we're hurt,
when we're full of joy,
when we have a question that needs an answer,
and when we just want to talk.
to be able to wake up in the morning and say
I love you father
to spend the whole day in your presence
so that we may sleep knowing that you are watching over us all the while.
that, truly is the greatest gift,
to know that after having ran away you welcome me with open arms.
you forget the ways I've hurt you and give me a fresh start every day
Father today I want to live for you and only you,
to please you in everything that I do.
I'll take your hand and walk with you,
its what I've be longing to do.

Yours Truly,
Charissa

Another Poem From the Past

I'm not sure why I wrote this poem. I know it wasn't about anyone specific, just a feeling. But it's been awhile since I've thought about it. Maybe I will remember someday!


Free

I want to be free
to feel the rush of the wind on my back
the sun warm on my face
the sand beneath my feet
won't you take me there?
to the place where I long to be?
where everything is perfect.
I wished you'd come with me.
I'd teach you how to laugh
at the stupid things I do
and maybe then you would learn
to laugh at yourself too
come walk with me
along the shore
just to see its beauty
I couldn't ask for anything more
a beautiful night with stars above
it might seem plain and dull to you
but this is my language of love
the beauty of the evening sky
tells more than you could imagine
and I'll teach you how to never be shy
you shouldn't hide your beautiful eyes
the thing that I first noticed about you
I know it's crazy, but it's true
so come away
just for today
to the shore line
where we can be free

Yours Truly,
Charissa

I Promise

 Dear World, 
I found some of my old poems on facebook and myspace..and since I don't use either of those that much, I figured I'd do some flashback posts on here. 

Here is a poem that I wrote 4 years ago. I wrote this for my family after thinking of how they had been there for me when I was in AZ all those years ago. Family week at Remuda Ranch, supporting me in my recovery. I need to edit it a bit...but here it the original:

I Promise

Can you love with all your heart?
It seems impossible for me.
sometimes this is all, all I ever see.
something I'm not too fond of
in the mirror staring back at me
and I wonder if its the same thing
that everyone around me will see
Could you spare me just one smile
I've been trying to act so tough
Pretending that I'm happy
Just wasn't ever enough
I will be strong, I promise
I know I'll make it through
If I make it through for anyone
that person would be you
You've looked up to me for so long
I can't bare to let you down
I'm hoping that I'll be strong
that you won't ever see me frown
I never met to hurt you
and it kills me to see you cry
mother, father, sister, brother
my heart has never been so held under
under the waters of hurt and pain,
all this self-pity with nothing to gain.
please forgive, I've done you wrong
I promise you it wasn't me
That this disease makes it hard to see
I've been held down for far too long
But through ever talk and every song
that you sang to me through the days
Is slowly returning and catching my gaze.
No one knows me like you do
and you might not believe its true.
But mother, father, sister, brother,
I swear I'll never find another
to give me the love that you've shown me
to be there and refuse to leave.
By your side I'll always stay
I won't let this disease take me away.
You are my family,
And can't you see?
You will always mean the World to me...



Yours Truly,
Charissa

It's All Too Much For Me

Dear World,

Some nights, I just want it to be over. I'm tired. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of being given things to have them taken away. I'm tired of people using me. I'm tired of always being the one who has to be strong for everyone else then having no one to turn to when I need someone to be strong for me. I'm insanely tired of being treated differently because I want to treat others with love no matter what they look like or where they have been. I'm not sorry that I feel sad for those who are so shallow. I'm not sorry for being different. I don't want to blend in. I don't want to be like everyone else. And maybe by being this way I'm only asking to be put down. Especially in a world that is obsessed with assimilation in to the mainstream, popular, cliche culture. Fuck, that noise is the worst I've ever heard, like nails on a chalkboard to my soul, a soul that screams to be free from the chains of a sick society. And I think I've found that it's no different, no matter where you go. So I tell myself to hold my head high so others can see that it's possible. I hope by being strong I can help to strengthen those around me. I hope that by not giving up, when I so desperately want to, I will have shown someone, anyone, that there is hope. If there is hope for someone like me, there is hope for you. If there was ever a love that reaches so far, it's the love my Savior gives to me. But some days that love makes me want to go home so badly. And by home I mean heaven, so I lie awake at night and pray the Lord would just take me. And when I wake to a new day I ask the Lord to be my strength, because I know without him I cannot go on. Without him, I have no desire to. Without Christ I would just be another face blurred in to the crowd. But that is not how I will go out. I was made for something great, I know this much to be true. At times I want to scream at God and tell him that can't possibly be. But he just says...be patient..so for now that's what I'll do. I want to continually show others love, grace, compassion. I have to ask the Lord to help me to do so everyday, or this world would rip me to pieces. My heart just would not be able to take it. I would be dead or driven by anger and hatred. But my Savior keeps me calm and keeps me moving along. Annnnd I haven't got much else to say, really. It's just life. Another day.


Yours Truly,
Charissa

idkkk

Dear World,
I stood there, looking back on my life. Wondering how I ever felt that I wasn't loved. Wondering why I tried so hard to please those who never appriciated me for who I am. I don't want the fresh perspective that I have been given to fade. I don't want to go back to being afraid. There is nothing to be afraid of. How could I have been so afraid of the way others see me and not be afraid of death at the same time? For awhile there I felt that God had forgotten me. The only thing that I could make myself do was cry out for His help. That was all I could say..Lord help me, please don't forget me, all I need is some peace, nothing more. And then when I thought He was doing nothing, is when I was being changed. There was just something about being surrounded by people who genuinely appriciate all that I am as a person. Hell, my family even likes my bad attitude sometimes because it makes it easier for them to poke fun at me. And then before I know it I can't help but smile. And I am almost positive that it is me that has changed. My appriciation for their acceptance towards me has grown so much because I have realized how rare real love is..how rare unconditional love is. And my mother, oh that woman, how amazing. Someone who truly does bare the image of God, showing his love to people whenever she can. A woman after God's own heart. I hope to have a heart like hers..to see the good in people..to think the best of those around me, giving them the benefit of the doubt. And even if I'm wrong, I've at least done the best that I could to give others what I would like them to give to me. Basically...I'm rambeling on...the end:]


Yours Truly,
Charissa

"And as for selling myself short, I have become notorious"

I'm sitting here..waiting for a verdict from a board of people who know only my name and few things other than my appearance to connect me to that. I wonder if that is all I have been to most people here..a name..a face..the girl who pushes the limits that others have set for her(in the most postive ways of course..or at least I believe this to be true). I just can't help but wonder as I look back...have I let my situations, or the way others look at me, effect the way I look at myself..or the way that I know God looks at me? Maybe people have been treating me like a child because I have no faith in the woman that I have become. I'd like to be grown up but continue to think that I have nothing to offer the world. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep putting everyone else on higher ground, putting myself in a position for those around me to look down on me. I can only imagine how much better my life will become when I can convince myself that I am worthy to stand on the same level as my peers. What I desire more than anything is to be a leader. But how can I do this without speaking up? My voice is hidden and no one knows the power that I have been given to go behind that voice. I know the gifts that God has given me and all I have to do now is let God be my confidence, that I might be brave because he is always with me.

Today, I just pray that, no matter what happens, I will have the strength to see myself as the beautiful woman of God that I truly am..instead of the victimized young girl who feels as if she shouldn't exist. I pray for peace and courage for myself and all others who struggle with their self worth. Please know that this world does not define you. No matter what label you may recieve in this world, it doesn't matter. God left his imprint on each one of us. If we choose to imbrace that, the labels of this world will simply be irrelevent opinions. Don't ever forget how perfect you are through Christ.


Yours Truly,
Charissa

I have...

lived through a lot of things...
But me...crying because I thought someone was making fun of my hair...
Me...actually caring that others would make fun of me.
And me...reminding myself to not be such a baby and embarrass myself even more.

Misunderstandings...these little things..embarrassing, but life goes on...and it could have been worse.

Reminds me of a memory from when I was much younger. I was supposed to sing a solo but I didn't feel like I knew the song as well as I should. Needless to say..I ended up forgetting the words exactly when the song was supposed to start and felt so embarrassed that I ran out of there so I could cry without anyone seeing me.

Life is full of these little moments..if my life were a tv show...these memories would probably be in it. And let's face it. I know I'm not the only one.

So..a reminder to anyone reading this:  If you love who you are, live it up. Be who you are. You only get to be yourself, so take advantage of that. Don't get embarrassed over the little things. Remember how strong you are. And if you do just happen to end up running out of a situation in tears, it's okay. I promise you'll look back and be able to laugh. You are wonderful because you are God's :)
Don't forget it.


Dear Lord,
Thank you for another day.


Yours Truly,
Charissa A. Wallace

Savior

I fall asleep to the sunrise
My mind won't let me sleep at night
The norm is something I can't comprehend
All these questions just runnin through my head

And the answers
Few and far between

I wish I knew for sure
I wish I didn't have to wonder
When will the lightning strike
Cause I just hear the thunder
and my love
Is not the kind that fades, too easily
don't expect it just to go away
You already know what I wanna say

I fall asleep with you on my mind
I wake up to you and the sunrise
How i got so lucky i can't comprehend
Questions like these still run through my head

And the answers
I'll know, someday, I won't forget
I'll just know


Don't make me say it
You already know
Words are meaningless here
the actions show
Everything you need to know
Everything you've known all along
My love
Between the lines of your song

Because at the end of the day
Your choice never changes
You love me for all I am
For all of time
In every way



So...this is just a rough draft of a poem that I have been working on over time.


Your Truly,
Charissa A. Wallace

Revelation/Life/Love/Music

I realized recently, through lots of experiences since December, that I shouldn't ever feel bad about who God has made me to be. No regrets. No guilt. No apologies for people who tell me differently. And definitely no more apologizing for my existence. I've done a lot through Christ and I know he has amazing things planned for my life. Some days I may struggle but at the end of the day Jesus and I come out on top and there is nothing that I've done that I could have done on my own without him.

Some days when life gets hard I have to think back to all the times that Jesus has been by my side, and all of my life's successes that would never have happened with his grace. If by the end of the day I am still alive, I know that God plans to continue to use me to show love and compassion to others, and also to have more compassion for myself.

If you are having a hard time in life right now...here are my words of advice:
Don't give up on who you want to be, don't let anyone tell you who you are, let God tell you who you are. You may mess up in this world over and over again but the grace of God covers it all. Love yourself, love what is important to you...but most of all LIVE.


By the way..cool song that I accidently stubbled upon:

ooooh here we go again...

How does one begin to change their life? I am attempting to do the right things. To be the woman that I know I want to be. This world seems to make that very hard at times. I've never been good at making choices for myself. I usually choose to make others happy. I am realizing that that is a very destructive thing to do...because while I'm making choices to make everyone else happy, I have to suffer in silence and wish that my life were better or different. Since I've been back at Barclay, God has given me so much strength to begin to stand up for myself, to be able to feel more confident, to be able to focus on Him instead of on making people happy.

Here's to another day in the right direction.

Yours Truly,
Charissa

Dear ex...

You know when you tried to make me feel like having me, or any commitment, in your life was the cause for your misery? Well, I may be a pretty powerful woman, but I don't have the power to make you miserable. You do that to yourself. End of story. Oh, and you were right. I am far too good for you.

Goodnight.
Yours Truly,
Charissa

The very thing that gives me strength when I am weak.

Psalm 63

English Standard Version (ESV)

My Soul Thirsts for You

A Psalm of David, when he was in the wilderness of Judah.

63 O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
² So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
³ Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
⁴ So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.

⁵ My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
⁶ when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
⁷ for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
⁸ My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

⁹ But those who seek to destroy my life
shall go down into the depths of the earth;
¹⁰ they shall be given over to the power of the sword;
they shall be a portion for jackals.
¹¹ But the king shall rejoice in God;
all who swear by him shall exult,
for the mouths of liars will be stopped.

My dearest friend, my savior, keeps me safe. Even after all I've done, I am forgiven. I am given peace. I keep my faith close to my heart. If I trust in Him, I know that everything will turn out alright.

noowwww, here's a good song:]

Yours Truly,

Charissa

What can I say?

Peace is one of God's greatest gifts and I am so thankful that all I have to do is ask for it and He holds me close and lets me know it will be okay..and life goes on, love goes on, and I know I have the strength to make it through anything life wants to throw at me.


Yours Truly,
Charissa